UGH! After an hour and a half on the phone with Sprint, trying to get my DSL service working, they tell me it's a problem in their wiring and someone will call me tomorrow. :(

Spewed forth by John at 8:58:00 PM

Hmmm...absolutely nothing going on today. I'm excited about tomorrow, though. It's sad, really, when I get all uppity about a bit of human contact. I'm so frickin bored outta my skull right now. Oh, I had a really weird dream last night. I turned into Spider Man and was battling an evil Spider Man. I guess that means that I've been playing a little too much Final Fantasy before going to bed...speaking of fantasies...ummm, no..nevermind :) Don't wanna get into too much trouble.

Spewed forth by John at 2:51:00 PM

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Hmm...not much happening today. I finally got to surprise Victoria. I went to the bank where she works and put her presents and a card that looked like a stalker note into the canister and sent it to her. She was kinda freaked out at first, but she thought it was hilarious. So I'm glad she liked her gifts. Umm...supposed to have DSL connected today, but I guess Sprint is running late, because it still isn't on yet. Went out and got a wireless router and a 802.11b PCMCIA card for the notebook. Everything's set up and the three computers are super ready to get on the internet...but alas, I guess it's not in the cards for tonight. That's about all that's gone on today.

Spewed forth by John at 8:08:00 PM

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

I just woke up and I had a very weird dream. Me and about 7 friends were investigating a house. I don't know what we were looking for, but I'm pretty sure if we found it, we would know what it was. I know I was a guy in this dream. In the third room I searched (the house was a filthy mess, by the way), there was some cool underwear, so I was trying it on. It was like size 50 or something, though...so super way too big. Then Luna appeared, and I realized I was Sailor Moon. She told us that danger was coming, then there was a semi-earthquake. The only sailor scout I recognized was Sailor Mars. There was an odd girl that was Sailor Desharyio. I think I must have made her up, because I don't recall ever even hearing that word before. That's when I realized I was Sailor Moon and a girl at this point. Oh, Sailor Mini Moon was there, I recognized her, too. During the transformation I woke up, so that's it for the dream. It was a really big house, though. Like 3 stories and 5 or 6 staircases. And some hidden rooms. Thinking....I *think* my half-brother was in it, but I'm not 100% on that. Didn't get to see the bad guys. That would have been interesting, to see who I picture as the enemy.

I saw Tank Girl last night. That is one kick ass movie! My friend Susan had a crush on that chick, and I can see why. If I were a girl, I would too. Umm...I guess that's about it for now.

Spewed forth by John at 9:36:00 AM

Monday, July 22, 2002

Okay...things are getting just a little weird...but at least it's a good kind of weird. "They should name this place wacky-ville...ooh, cuz it's wacky!" I called Ben last night and his voicemail message is a funny bit from "Superstar" (Side story begins in 3...2...1). Victoria and I used to work with card replacement at American Express. We worked in the back office, which did a lot of the behind the scenes stuff, like when systems would go down, we would pick up where the regular reps couldn't work. Anyway, if there was time available, we could work on the phones for extra money. Sometimes, when I would do that, she would just throw those "While You Were Out" phone notes over the cubicle wall to me. They would usually say "YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" (also from "Superstar," which was my point). That's the first coincidence. Next one...When I was talking to Ben, he said he was watching "Romy & Michele's"...and he had not read the previous post about it...So I told him about his voice, and he took it as a compliment (which was good, because it is a compliment). Umm...that's about it for now.

Spewed forth by John at 9:34:00 AM

Sunday, July 21, 2002

OMG! Ralph Wiggum sound board. My favorite..."Me fail English? That's unpossible." There was this super groovy chick at RHPS last night. I just said "My cat's breath smells like cat food." Then she said "They taste like burning!" Then I said "Mrs Krabapple and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies..." And she finished "And I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me." Whoever that girl is, she super totally rocks! Go RAPLH!

Spewed forth by John at 9:01:00 PM

OMG...I have so much to fill in on. Last night went so well...I finally got to meet Ben. I think he is great. I'm pretty sure that he felt the same about me, but I dunno yet. Rocky was excellent, and Ben did really well in it. Oh man...I really like his voice. It reminds me of Mira Sorvino in Romy & Michele (one of my faves), but his voice is deeper (of course). His friends were great, too.

Umm...have a super secret surprise for my friend Victoria, but I can't reveal it yet :). Got to talk to my friend Josh tonight for about 5 mins..that was cool.

What wasn't cool was the show we did today. It was in Humble, at the Civic Center, in a covered pavillion. It was hot, and then it rained. So then it was hot and humid. And Rebecca is feeling sick, so she went home. Ugh I was so sweaty from moving all of that furniture. Oh, Ben was sweaty from the performance last night, but I didn't mind that at all :). I guess it's only when I'm sweaty that it's yucky.

If there's one thing that pisses me off (there's not just one, there's several, but this is just an example), it's people that are supposedly your friend that you come online and they don't message you. Especially friends that are "busy for 3 weeks straight" and don't have a chance to see you...so they can't call or email or send a quick IM. If you don't wanna frickin talk to me, that's fine (especially cause he's a lousy kisser)! Just have the fuckin balls to tell me.

Umm...I think that's about it for now...I'm gonna try calling Ben in just a few, after I check out the local Rocky Horror Page.

Spewed forth by John at 7:36:00 PM

Saturday, July 20, 2002

Hey...I just took another couple of quizzes...these things are addictive!


Which Buffy Girl Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty


Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty


Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Gonna go get ready to go now!

Spewed forth by John at 8:58:00 PM

Yay! I'm so excited. I'm going to Rocky Horror in just a few hours! And I finally get to meet Ben! Now, something completely unrelated. I think my parents are trying to make me old before my time. Rebecca's favorite place to eat is Luby's. That means, because I am sans car, I get to eat there a more frequently than I would actually drive by the place. It's not that the food is "bad", it's that it has almost no flavor. And lots of preseratives. That's why old people don't age as fast. It's because of the Luby's food. Now you know. Anyway, there's a substance in the food that if you're young, it actually speeds up the aging process...you know, as featured in numerous Star Trek episodes. Those were actually experiments on early Luby's Time Theory of Food. Now, the technique and materials being refined, they're free to wreak havok with people's DNA. Those are just my thoughts though. :)

Spewed forth by John at 7:53:00 PM

YAY! Today is my best friend Victoria's birthday! She's finally legal! So, we're supposed to go out next weekend. And for once she won't have the big M on her hands...all of you should know what that means! :) Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know!

Spewed forth by John at 12:09:00 AM

Friday, July 19, 2002

Hmm...not much going on today. I'm all sweaty from moving furniture around. It's amazing how many gay guys are into antiques. Unfortunately, it's primarily old gay guys. Oh well..that's the story of my life. Here's some links to some of my favorite all time sites:

Fark little bit of everything humorous here
The Onion Weekly newspaper style satire
X-Entertainment Analysis of pop and non pop culture
TubGirl Okay...not one of my favorites. Actually really gross. But worth a look.

That's all for now!

Spewed forth by John at 3:49:00 PM

Thursday, July 18, 2002

I'm so excited right now...I just got some anime DVDs in the mail that I won on an auction on eBay. I frickin love anime...This one's Gravitation. Here's a link to an info page about it...basically it's about Shuichi Shindou, an 18 or 19 year old lead vocalist in a band who likes girls...until he meets Yuki Eiri...sparks fly (not the good kind), but Shu-chan finds himself attracted to Yuki. Oh well...there's lots more good anime out there for me to discover!

I'm really excited about going to my friend's performance in Rocky Horror this Saturday! I've only talked to him on the internet before, so this will be the first time I get to meet him...He's worried about the show, but I know he'll be great in it.

Sometimes I just want to dance. Now is one of those times. I feel like I could dance all night long. I'm not one of those picky dancers, either. If the music is really horrible, yeah, can't dance to it...but I generally just like to have fun when I'm dancing. It is so much fun when I actually have someone to dance with me, but it's not a requirement.

Oh, one time (not at band camp) Victoria and I were at a gay club in Corpus dancing together...we were having a blast! Then this short (like 5'4") guy comes up and just stares at me. He was cute, I'll give him that, but just staring at me...umm..kinda freaky if you ask me. He asked Victoria if she minded moving or something, but she ignored him. I think he creeped her out, too! :) So guys, if you wanna dance with me, don't just stand there looking...talk to me or just jump right in, I won't mind!

Spewed forth by John at 5:33:00 PM

I just took a quiz....and guess what I found out?






Which Final Fantasy Character Could YOU Be Having Sex With?

Find out now! Only from the Quiz Junkie


He is just so yummy!

Spewed forth by John at 1:51:00 PM

I have some really disturbing dreams sometimes. I've been trying to lose some weight recently (yay, 20 lbs in the past month!), so I've basically restricted myself on what I can eat. I'm proud to say that I haven't had beef in almost a month. I'm really fond of Caesar salads, so I have those a lot, too. For the past few nights, I've had dreams where I'm eating junk food, and that's really weird. I never dreamt about eating before. In my dreams, I know that I'm on a diet and that eating the candy bar is wrong, but I do it anyway and I feel bad about it. Last night I drank a regular (non-diet) soda. And my supervisor and the Pepsi vendor from the convenience store I used to work at were there, too. Oh well, dreams are just weird, I guess.

One thing that gets me is public displays of affection (PDA). Actually, it's only straight PDA that annoys me. I guess it's a little envy in there. I know that I can't walk in the mall, holding my boyfriend's hand. I think to myself, "Why? What is wrong with me?" Then I realize that it isn't my problem, it's society's problem with me. It still saddens me though, because when I'm in love, I want the whole world to know.

Spewed forth by John at 10:36:00 AM

Anyways, my parents put me in Charter. For those of you who don't know, Charter is an emergency mental hospital. It's strictly short term. I was there a month. Charter was a great vacation. And I say this in all seriousness. While I was there, I actually felt "normal" even a little better than "normal." Best of all, I didn't want to die...well, not much, anyway. It really was awesome in there. I was part of the "popular" clique. It's hard to describe, when you feel you're the only normal person in the asylum. Oh, my parents knew I was gay by this point. They really had a tough time coming to terms with it. They are both Catholic. I had been raised with no faith, and I was going to church with them and going to bible study and catechism classes. I made some cool friends in catechism. My godfather was the teacher of the class, and he was a really cool guy. He visited me when I was in Charter. I really don't remember much of what went on in Charter, with a few exceptions. I was in there during Halloween...we had a riot. As in an actual riot. That was funny, seeing the other kids breaking fluorescent light bulbs and shit. One little kid (like 7 years old) got up into the ceiling and was crawling around up there. He broke through and fell to the ground. The staff wasn't too pleased about it, though. The only other memorable time was when I tried to kill myself. I tied the legs of my jeans around my neck and tried to tie them tight. Obviously, it didn't work. One time my parents and I were in therapy and my stepmom said something really hateful. I ran out of the room crying. They gave me something to knock me out that night and had me on "suicide watch." That's where a nurse watches you while you are asleep, to make sure you don't get up and try to kill yourself. I basically, after a month, had a choice of to go home or go to SASH (San Antonio State Hospital). I didn't really want to upset my dad further, so I went home.

As I sit here, not knowing what exactly to write next, my mind goes back to 4th and 5th grade, where I was in a program for gifted (never liked that word) children called SEARCH. Mrs McAdams and Mrs Morrison had us keep journals, with red ink, and if we didn't know what to write, we were to keep the ink flowing, because that let ideas flow. I think that it really does translate well to blog writing.

I guess my attitude really didn't change that much after Charter. Two days after Thanksgiving 1996, my stepmom kicked me out of the house. I really dislike the holidays. I met Ernest that night, at a cruise spot downtown. It's my seedy history, and I'm not gonna lie about it. I guess it was a convenience type of arrangement. I needed a place to live, and he wanted an 18 year old boy (he was 40). He was taking care of his mom. So I got to know her too. Mercedes was always a sweet lady. I guess you *have* to be sweet to be that old, though...hopefully the bitter ones don't make it past middle age. I was still pretty screwed up in the head, though.

I fell in love with Ernest, and things were okay for a while. Looking back, I probably put up with all of his BS cuz he was my first (and only to this point) love. I had a decent job. It wasn't the greatest (Whataburger), but it was a job. And I was respected there. The sad thing is, I would go to work sometimes black and blue. My friends would tell me not to take it, and I would cover for him...it was my fault, etc. I wasn't unhappy at that time, I just wasn't happy, you know what I mean? I didn't think happiness was a requirement for love, I guess I still don't.

Fast forward a few years, and I met a guy online named Andrew. I'm eternally grateful to him for showing me that I was being treated wrong. I left Ernest and got my own apartment. And my third boyfriend. I wasn't in love though. This was oh...May of 2000 or so. Andrew lived about 60 miles away, so I didn't get to see him often. We talked a lot though. He made me feel worthwile again. I only wish that I had felt as grateful then as I do now. I cheated on Andrew a few times with some hookups I met on the internet. That was a time in my life that I regret. I just stopped talking to Andrew. It was really wrong of me. And I got back with Ernest.

I still lived in my apartment, and he would come and see me, or I would see him. I had a good job at that time (I was the manager of a convenience store). In September, I was run over at work. A truck ran over my arm when I was in the parking lot. I went to the hospital, where they took x-rays...no broken bones...they patched me up a bit and had me come back in a week to see a doctor. I was scared. I was so glad I was back with Ernest. He tended to me. I was bedridden, on Darvocet. When I went to the doctor, she diagnosed me with compartment syndrome, where the pressure in my arm was building and I could lose feeling and movement in my arm. I was scheduled for emergency surgery that night. I don't think I had ever been more scared in my life. I vividly remember when they started the IV drip of Demoral. My vision started going blurry. When they took me into surgery, Ernest says I was still awake, and that I was asking for him. They brought him in, he held my hand, and they pumped some morphine into me. That shit knocked my ass out. I recovered at home for three more weeks, then went back to work. And moved back to my apartment.

That probably hurt Ernest a lot. Oh well...I moved back with Ernest in April of 2001. His mom had just passed away and he was hurting. That's the excuse I used this time to explain away the abuse. Plus, I had nowhere to go cuz I had skipped out on my rent. Things got progressively worse for me. He didn't have a job, so I was forced to work 70-100 hour weeks to support us. I was working for American Express at the time, where I made some great friends, like Victoria, Annie, and Melissa. Ernest really didn't beat me up so much anymore, it was emotional abuse. I felt worthless. The thing was, I was good at my job, so I enjoyed being there more than being at home. I don't ever want to be like that again. I want to be with a guy that I really like, and that I enjoy spending time with.

Fast forward again...I lost my job in April of 2002, due to a stupid prank I pulled on someone. I *really* didn't feel like getting a new job. I didn't want to work when Ernest *wouldn't* work. We coasted for a while, cuz I had been saving up for a car. Lasted about two months. I had gotten in contact with my parents while I worked at American Express, so I was able to get a hold of them and they got me out of that situation. I'm living with them now, in Kingwood.

Okay...enough history....My sister was in a bad car wreck about two weeks ago. She nearly died. She was not wearing her seatbelt and the airbag was the only thing that saved her life. I really don't have a desire to visit her in the hospital, because of things she said about me after I left. But on top of that, Eleanor has put me and Rebecca on a list of people that are not allowed to see Jammie. It really doesn't surprise me, however. And I know that her reward will come for it.

Over the years I've really only kept in contact with one friend, Josh. He is perhaps one of the most enlightened straight people I know. He never judged me, and I commend him on that.

More recently, I've met another guy, online again, that I really dunno how I feel about. His name is Ben and we have a lot of stuff in common. I'm gonna go see him this weekend. He performs in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I have seen that movie, I kid you not, like 30 times. It is one of my all time favorites. I really enjoy talking to him and he says he likes talking to me, too. The only other person that I've met that has as much in common as me is my friend Victoria. She is a super blast to hang out with. She's funny, smart, and shares my sense of humor.

Sometimes I get these flashes where I feel inadequate. I don't want to be anyone but myself, because *I* am someone that I would go out with (does that make sense)...but sometimes I feel I have to change who I am to please someone. What I really want is someone who will accept me for who/what I am.

That's gonna be it for now...I'll leave you with a song from one of my favorite games, Magic Knight Rayearth.

A bold, daring dream
built of hope, bound by chance.
Into daring dreams,
go the bold, conquering their fear.

Free yourself
from bonds of circumstance
a new reality
it's so close
erase the fear.

Challenge that which tries to limit
what you seek to be.
(wanna feel free)

Crush bruising obstacles that feed
your fear,
gnawing on hopes deep within
clouding the dreams kept safely
hidden.
The solitary burden you bear,
can also be a key.

A bold, daring dream
built of hope, bound by chance.
Into daring dreams,
go the bold, conquering their fear.

A shining ray of light,
as darkness all consumes,
only the bold will break free

Spewed forth by John at 12:17:00 AM

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Hmm...this is my first post, so I guess it's gotta be memorable. Dunno really what to say. There's a lot of things going on in my life right now.

Umm...to start off, I moved in with my parents to get away from my ex. I left him after being together 6 years. I always try to be positive about it, that it was a learning experience...that I am a better person because of it. I don't know if really I'd be a better person without being beaten...I guess I'll never know that. I'm more than halfway sure that I'm better off without him. He hadn't had a job in almost a year and I was supporting the both of us. I miss having someone, though. Someone to hold me when it thunders. I guess, in some twisted way, I miss the abuse. When you've lived with that for that long, it becomes normal and expected. I don't really miss the sex, though. I never really saw what was that great about it. I definitely don't miss the stunning intellectual conversations we had...oh wait, we didn't have those. Enough about him for now...maybe more later.

About two weeks ago my sister was in a bad car wreck. Actually, lets back up a minute and give a brief history of my life.

Name: John
Birthdate: April 11, 1978
Eyes: two of em...both blue
Hair: yep, got that too...red at the moment if you were wondering
I was raised in a small town called Lake Jackson, bout 60 miles south of Houston by my mom, who I refer to as Eleanor, and my dad. My dad was almost always a cool guy, even if he was sometimes somewhat detached. I have an older brother, Jim...I basically worshiped him. Almost all kids look up to their older brothers, and he was the best. I have a younger (by two years) sister, Jammie. Not much to really say about her or my little brother (four years younger), Joey. I honestly don't remember much of my childhood. I don't know if it's been repressed or if it was so boring I just "got rid of it" in my mind. Joey was always different from the other three of us. We were all blonde hair, blue eyes...and he was brown/brown. He had a different personality, too. Whereas we were all laid-back, he was aggressive, mean even. I never suspected anything at his differences, really. Until this year, when my step mom, Rebecca, told me that in going over hospital records, she and my dad found out that my brother needed a blood transfusion when he was born, but none of the rest of us did. I think that's about enough on that.

My parents divorced when I was 16, and I moved to Corpus Christi with my dad when I was 17. Eleanor basically disowned me. I really had severe emotional problems when I left that house. It is really hard to see abuse when you grow up with it. It wasn't really physical abuse, it was emotional...using us kids against each other, that sort of thing. I really don't like to think about it that much. I moved in with my dad and Rebecca. Rebecca is cool as shit, now. She was, in my opinion, more demanding back then. They really loved me, and I guess I didn't know how to react to that. I made a few new friends at school. I was more of a loner, and I guess I still am, to some extent. I was always a good student and I kept it up for the most part.

I met, through a mutual ex-friend, a nice guy named Jeff. We started going out some. I was taking a few college courses at nigh in my senior year of high school, so I could ditch sometimes to be with him. I was so excited. This was my first boyfriend. I really couldn't believe that someone could like me that much to want to go out with me. Well, it lasted about two weeks. I crashed after that. I felt even *more* worthless. And he broke up with me right before Christmas. It was like I was lost in a dark room. My grades really suffered in some classes, but mainly in English. I was so afraid to express myself again. I was afraid to be hurt. It was weird...I had Calculus at 7 AM every morning...I would sleep late sometimes, usually once a week, and come strolling in about 7:30 or so. I aced that class. I had the answers and I wasn't afraid. I was the resident computer *techie* in Newspaper...I had no problem there either. It all ended okay, though...graduated and all, with honors and as a member of the NHS...lol got to wear the cords and everything.

My parents (I refer to my dad and Rebecca as my parents, not Eleanor) knew something was wrong with me, I guess by the way I was acting. I'm more than positive they thought I was on drugs. Anyway, we started going to a psychologist. That was an utter and complete waste of time and money. I learned absolutely nothing and he contributed nothing. I wish my parents knew what a sham that guy was. Just after my 18th birthday, I refused to cooperate with him, so that was the last session with him.

My parents (mainly just Rebecca now) sell antiques, and they would do shows regularly. They would go out of town every few weekends. Once they had to go to Louisiana for a week. As you can imagine, this gave me plenty of time to get into trouble. I invited two of my friends, Johnny and Georgy, over...they were two of the coolest people I knew. They also had a bit more sense than I did, but I guess that's why they say "Hindsight is 20/20" Friday night we went to the Wall, which, in Corpus, is where a lot of the clubbers hang out after hours...I invited a few of them back to my house. We had an impromptu orgy of sorts (I didn't get any)...House got a bit trashed. The way Rebecca describes it may be a bit farfetched, with chicken blood being on the carpet....I *really* don't think that happened. She does have a way of exaggerating sometimes. I do believe some of her clothing and jewelry was missing, however. Anyway, when they got back, I was found out. That was one of the times in my life when I hit rock bottom. I sincerely believe I would have killed myself if I cared that much. A lot of my life after Jeff dumped me was like that, now that I think about it. I know I scared some of my friends.

Gonna continue this in the next entry...

Spewed forth by John at 11:08:00 PM